I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
