Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
