apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
