When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
