capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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