i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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