I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
