I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
