She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
