He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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