I'm lost and stupid without you.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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