HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
