you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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