Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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