I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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