I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
