And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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