Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
