Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
