He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
