"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
