highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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