I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
