Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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