I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
