I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
