if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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