FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
