I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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