apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
