I can't watch pbs sober anymore
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
