Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
