I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
