thus making me awesome and them whores
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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