I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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