..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
