Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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