My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
