i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
