yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
