Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
