I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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