If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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