There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
