I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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