she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize