I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
