You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
