I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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