Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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