I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
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Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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