I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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