I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
