The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
