I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
