Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
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YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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